Trump Will Soon Be Getting Intelligence Briefings! God Help Us

Traditionally, presidential nominees are given daily intelligence briefings to keep them up to speed on national security issues. But what do you give a buffoon with a big mouth? The CIA may have to be somewhat creative (read: make up stuff) in order to keep the nation’s intelligence community from being completely annihilated by an idiot with itchy tweeting fingers.

TO: Donald Trump, Presidential Nominee
FROM: All US Intelligence Services
RE: Briefings

July 21, 2016:
CIA operatives based in Iraq report that ISIS leader, Baba Ghanoush, Grand Potentate of the Falafel Caliphate, recently ordered a set of cotton beach towels and boogie boards from Amazon which NATO analysts have determined to be a clear indication of an imminent attack on the Syrian coastal resort of Hummus, (known for its spectacular beaches.) Intelligence experts with the Joint Chiefs of Staff, who intercepted the receipts, have ordered a pre-emptive drone strike on the neighboring towns of Schawarma-Inna-Pita, Baklava and Kabob.

July 22, 2016:
Top secret NATO espionage agents, Robert Ludlum and John Le Carre, stationed in Moscow, have uncovered intelligence regarding the disappearance of two of Vladimir Putin’s top cyber experts, Leopold Tolstoy and Fyodor Dostoevsky. Ludlum speculates that Dostoyevsky is near death after consuming poisoned Russian dressing on a beet salad while Tolstoy and his wife, Anna Karenina, may have sought temporary asylum in the Crimean city of Borscht. The disappearance has temporarily crippled Russia’s ability to launch cyber attacks on an NSA front location known as “Walmart,” and may compromise sales on recently discounted kayaks.

July 23, 2016:
Two North Korean destroyers, the Monitor (which, in Korean, means “ship”) and the Merrimack (which means “bigger ship’), have been sighted off the coast of Switzerland, an obvious show of NK’s naval power, possibly meant to provoke the Swiss Navy, which is one of the most powerful in the world. Intelligence sources are baffled by the reasons behind this show of force and attribute it to North Korea’s longtime secret desire to plunder two of Switzerland’s huuuugest natural resources—plutonium and cheese.

July 24, 2016:
State-of-the-art microfilm has revealed that Chinese leader, Yung Fat Gi intends to flood the American market with cheap Woks (Chinese for “Woks”), a move that may signal a new step in the Chinese government’s efforts to undermine the USA’s economic stability, since American-made Woks make up more than 20% of our nation’s economy. This is a clear violation of the recently-negotiated ABCDEFG Treaty. CIA analysts have concluded that such a move will cause severe turmoil in the stock market. Economists vividly recall the destructive economic impact of China’s 1988 export of vastly underpriced umbrella hats.The head of China’s treasury, Chia Pet, appears to be behind the move.

July 25, 2016:

The BYOB ‘s Chief of TGIF has discovered a potentially serious ATM leak in the inner infrastructure of ASAP and ESPN. A secret group of LED operatives known as the “Plumbers” have been summoned to investigate the origin of the BVD leak, assess it’s impact on CVS and AARP operations and handle the PVC and NFL damage to the agency’s elite SPCA internal security, which will be followed by a thorough mopping up of FTD and PGA headquarters by SUV and KFC staff.

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