To the Moms Who Have Something to Tell About My Dirty, Spoiled Child Who Eats His Own Poop

“You used to think because they will be smaller than you, they will be easy to control. You were wrong.”

By Jess Johnston

Last summerDavid Beckhamgave anawesome response to public criticism for allowing 4-year-old daughter Harper to use a pacifier. In his Instagram post hesaid, Why do people feel they have the right to criticize a parent about their own children without having any facts ?? Here, here, Icouldnt agree more.


If youre like me, you know what its like to be both the judger and the judged. If youre a mother you also know what its like to think you know everything, and then find out the hard wayyou dont.

Oh, the amazes that go, when parenting a human is no longer a cute idea .
1 . You used to think, My infants will not act like THAT in public . Then the working day youre in Target and your precious 2-year-old is calling like shes being mauled by a Velociraptor. Other clients are clearly go looking for blood and have 9-1-1 on velocity dial. But you know, this entire horrific event is because she wants to stand , not sit, in the upper part of the cart( while) you push it because shopping should be more like theX-Games. Meanwhile, your 4-year-old seem to be not walk like a normal human, but instead teleport to different isles. You are still chastising yourself on why you havent purchased her an entire wardrobe of neon. You find yourselfin whats known as the parental stroll of shameall in the name of tampons and bobby pins. 2. You used to think because they will besmaller than you, they will be easy to control . You werewrong. 3. You used to think, why does that momnot seem to remember anything ? And then you walk out of TJ Maxx with unpurchased sunglasses on your head, with the giant censor tag hanging over your bangs. You set off the alarm twice and arefinally ushered out the door because apparently your sweet-mom-face confuses from petty theft. It is then that you realize what that nagging thing in the back of your intellect was. You blame the pregnant brain even though, clearly, you are no longer pregnant. 4. You used to think you would guide your children with asoft voice ofparental wisdom . Then you discover that these people are not reasonable. These are the most unreasonable humans you have ever met.

5. You used to think that you wouldfeed them all organic and never sugar ever , and then they feed their own poop.

6. You used to thinkthat it ispossible to create small children in a way that they wouldnt require counseling . Now counseling is aneon sign that pops up in your subconscience every time you makea mistake. Damn counseling.

7. As you watched those god-awful tantrums youd guess, What that child requires is to not be spoiled . Now you find yourself in that exactsituation and you would really like to climb on top of the organic canned corn and scream, This hollering child you find before you? THISIS my child not being spoiled. So when you step in to parenthood you better put your grown up gasps on, because parenting isnt forwussys. Mic drop. 8. You used to think, why is that child so dirty ? Why do they have fuzz and a sucker stick permanently attached to their face? Do these children get bathed? Now you know, sometimes you have to take a brief pause from the never aiming project called Wiping. You have a few thingsto do.

9. You used to think you understood clean as a single person , and how it is so difficult to keep up. Now you would like to take a tall margaritaand go sofa in that life.

But the grand finale, number one thing you have learned is this 😛 TAGEND

My little cheese balls .
10. You used to think, Family planning, Better you than me, This is why I dont have kids . But you had NO IDEA how much your feelers feel because ofthese precious beings. How much JOY they would add to their own lives. How your heart would swell so much youd feel like it was going to burst. And how you would never ever in a million years trade themfor anything. And how, yes, its so uncontrolled and messy and hard, but nobody , not anybody, could have prepared you for how WORTH IT it would be, and how much better of a human you would become because of it.

What number do you relate to the most? Or, have your own? Do tell!

About the Author : Jessica Johnston, her husband and her four children( Malachi 8, Scout 6, Oaklee 4, Haven 2) live in the heart of Montana. Shes passionate about community, escapade, family and KEEPIN IT REAL in the process. Her writing has appeared on and Scary Mommy. She loves sharing chuckles with you at You can follow her there, or like her page on Facebooks WONDEROAK Blog .

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