Its easy to be jaded about a holiday like the Fourth of July that celebrates liberty for all when the American Dream is still out of reach for so many. But you know who isnt jaded? Celebrities. In yachts from ocean to shining sea, these diehard patriots are gleefully redefining the pursuit of happiness.
Whether theyre taking selfies on the beach, cavorting with fellow celebs, or having a catered cookout, these superstars are hell-bent on honoring the spirit of 1776. Because if youre not sharing a red, white, and blue Instagram with your 50 million adherents, then you might as well has become a loyalist. In that spirit, weve compiled a few tips for how to Fourth like a famous person aka Make America Great Again. Happy holidays, everyone!
Upgrade la T. Swift
Taylor Swift, the queen of concealing her belly button and exposing her love life, has much to teach us all about living our fiercest Fourth of July. In 2014, she shipped a bunch of famous ladies to her Rhode Island pad for a star-studded weekend. Guests like Emma Stone, Lena Dunham, Jaime King, Ingrid Michaelson, and Stones then-boyfriend Andrew Garfield cavorted in Swifts quaint seven-bedroom, nine-bathroom home, slipped into swimsuits and cooked desserts.
In 2015, Taylor Swift basically hurled the exact same party, except she replaced her crew with a bunch of supermodels and teen idols like Gigi Hadid, Martha Hunt, and Seraya( plus boyfriends past and present Joe Jonas and Calvin Harris ). Because if youre not spending the 12 months in between Fourth of July weekends incrementally lowering the BMI of your collective friend group, then youre clearly not taking this holiday severely enough.
Swifts is a genuinely American tale: Shes the unabashed celebrity equivalent of the girl who got really popular in high school and promptly trenched all her friends from middle school.
So what gluten-free, Taylor-approved Independence Day ingredients are readily available to us plebeians? If youre a white male over the age of 21 who enjoys Rhode Island summertimes, hour-long hand-holding sessions and photo opportunities, you could actually be Swifts boyfriend by next summertime! And for all my single ladies trying to recreate Swifts crazy/ cool serial monogamist vibe, theres no need to break the bank. If youre on a budget, hold describing a pair of luscious lips on a piece of white bread, then cradling your new paparazzi-ready paramour on a nearby rock formation. Alternatively, we hear that there are dozens of miscellaneous Kennedy cousinsjust road trip to Cape Cod and arrange a DIY photoshoot with the first dirty blond white child you find.
Party Like Justin Bieber
If matching American flag onesies and a mandatory high-waisted bikini policy arent truly your thing, Justin Bieber offers a very un-Swiftian alternative. When not racking up frequent fallermiles or exposing himself, Canadas more problematic progeny has been known to throw one hell of a Fourth of July rager.
To pull a full Biebz, take advantage of Americas independence to sacrifice yours and pledge eternal loyalty to your on-again, off-again ex( bonus phases if your ex also happens to be Selena Gomez ). When you unavoidably betray your significant others trust by returning to your hard-partying, drag-racing, hot-boxing styles, make sure to sublimate all of your heartbreak and disappointment into throwing the yacht party of the year!
A romantic Fourth of July in 2013 wasnt enough to save Justin Biebers relationship from Justin Biebers personality, so the cherub-faced fuckboy did a holiday 180. Come 2014, the singer opened his heart, his yacht, and his champagne cellar to a boatload full of Miami Beach partygoers. Since it wouldnt has become a Justin Bieber party without nonsensical whining and a clear and present threat of violence, TMZ was there to catch one of Biebers bodyguards in a little bit of an altercation with a paparazzo on the way to the event. In response to the fight, Biebz could be heard complaining This is so ridiculous. Look what happens in my life … from the backseat of his mammoth SUV.
Looking to throw down like Bieber? Just blend equal proportions party boat, peroxide, random hotties, alcohol, Calvins, irony, and an inescapable sense that the world is out to get you. You should be cookingand/ or arrestedin no time.
Sometimes it feels like Kim Kardashian cant open an app without breaking the internet. And we know any form-fitting leotard or fanny pack she sportson the Fourth of July will be on tabloid encompass faster than a Rob Kardashian-Blac Chyna engagement. So naturally Kim, who shills waist trainers on the side and isnt above a K-mart Kollaboration, isnt about to waste this opportunity to monetize. This year, instead of showing off her Independence Day pride for free, Kardashian is turning to the free marketjust as the founding fathers intended.
With a new Fourth of July-themed updateto her Kimoji app, Mrs. West is looking to make even more money off of her wildly successful emoji keyboard. Like everything Kardashian does, these new emojis are firmly situated somewhere between iconic and psychotic. Along with your criterion fireworks and Pablo one pieces, the update is inexplicably riddled with phallic, sex imagerymore specifically, blowjobs. From an emoji of a Kim-like avatar suggestively feeing a hot dog to one of her sampling a firecracker, its clear that Kim Kardashian has a very specific idea of how Americans like to celebrate their independence.
So this Fourth of July, deem honoring Kardashian-style Kapitalism with a get-rich schemelike selling fake narcotics to wasted college children, or buying bargain meat for your barbecue. Better yet, thrill your bae with a very erotic emoji of Kim Kardashian performing oral sex on a popsicle. God bless the blowjob, God bless Kim Kardashians unrepentant pursuing of earning, and God bless America.
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