6 Sad Things We Learn About Humanity Through Sex Tape Leaks

By now you’ve likely “heard about” the Hulk Hogan sex tape which axe-bombed $140 million out of Gawker’s sweaty hands. And if you haven’t, then “youre supposed to” “heard about” that staged sexuality videotape Farrah Abraham induced with James Deen. And if you haven’t, then “youre supposed to” “heard about” that scumshit “Fappening” hack of nude celebrity photos.

Good thing you had this tissue to clean your ears after all that hearing you did !

In fact, whether you’re a Paraguayan orphan or a millionaire Russian prizefighter, there’s like an 80 percentage chance you’ve watched Scarlett Johansson’s butt. And that’s weird . Not merely for Scarlett Johansson, but for the entire world. Because while it’s publicly understood that leaking someone’s sexuality videotape is immoral as fuck, that hasn’t stopped us from trivializing it in the same dumb routes every single hour. For instance …

# 6. We Treat Male Celebrity Sex Tapes Like A Joke

When news violated that Hollywood Hogan humped his homie’s honey on camera, the media couldn’t assist but to report it with shit-slathered smirking.

Keep in intellect that this was before we learned that Hulkamania was also a big racist-face, which entails these people were taking pot shootings strictly because they guessed this guy looked funny. And while you might not care about the feelings of some rich imbecile, when you imagine spending a day of their own lives read everywhere about how wizened and silly your dick looks, it’s not hard to figure out why he was awarded money for emotional damages.

Because male celebrity sexuality tapes are treated like a joke . Especially when they are leaked by rubbish, snide sources …

It’s hard to be impressed by a dude’s junk when you’re a giant dick .

I’ve lost count of how many times I’ve called Gawker an exploitative, lying, condom heap of a news organization. But with their recent legal problems, here’s hoping I won’t “re going to have to” much longer. And with the risk of agreeing with a bunch of dipshit MRA forum commenters, there’s no denying the glaring hypocrisy they implement toward male celebrity nudes.

We’ve talked about this lack of outrage before on the site, but their own problems expands into the entire Internet blatantly taunting any male celebrity who gets their willy leaked. When Fred Durst sued Gawker for carrying on over the size of his hobble bizkit, Gawker responded by bravely doubling down.

You know you suck when, between Fred Durst and lawyers, you’re still the biggest asshole involved .

And the weirdest portion? Durst apologized to Gawker for the lawsuit — an apology they then published so they could continue making fun of him .

Nothing. Just say fucking nothing .

Because this runs route beyond the media being dicks to dick pics to a larger problem about male celebrities not being allowed to get upset over it . When Justin Bieber’s eenie meanie determined its route online, his own father publicly made a joke about it. When Pete Wentz’s boy fell out, he blamed himself and said he chuckled it off a day subsequently. Even Kanye West addressed his nude leak by lamenting that the photo had cut off part of his junk.

And before you say that “men are simply less sensitive” about having their johnsons uncovered, try to watch this video of Chris Brown being ambushed about his penis leak after previously hanging up on an interviewer for bringing it up 😛 TAGEND

Ignoring what he’s saying and the overall depressing fact that Chris Brown exists, you can tell by his fidgety eye-covering body language that he’s clearly embarrassed and uncomfortable, but afraid of losing face. Because no one likes having their naked bodies paraded against their will — not even girlfriend-beaters and do-rag-wearing bigots.

Are you happy, Internet? THESE are the people you’ve forced me to defend .

# 5. We’ve Been Utilizing The Same Stupid Justification Forever

Even if you agree with this column in so far, you’re without doubt having trouble avoiding the small part of your brain that keeps recurring, “Who devotes a shit about these rich assholes? If famous people didn’t want their nude images on the internet, they shouldn’t be stupid enough to take them in the first place! ” That part of your brain is called the Douchephalon, and it controls your higher asshole functions.

It’s between the Shituitary and Hypoassholemus .

But I get it. Chris Brown certainly deserves zero of our fear, right? The problem is that this line of guessing turns Batman-level insane when applied across the board. We can’t pick and choose which celebrities deserve what embarrassment … even though that’s entirely what we’re trying to do.

This random commenter’s opinion is actually shared by Bloomberg View, and was used during the trial by Gawker’s defense. It simply runs that if Hulk Hogan openly discussed his sexuality life to the public, then shouldn’t a video of him having sexuality be considered newsworthy?

No .

Quick lesson in what’s newsworthy versus what’s not newsworthy: When Hulk Hogan was taped admitting he’s a racist, it was newsworthy because the story was about a heavily influential performer and entrepreneur having a serious bias that could affect his business relations and decisions. When Hulk Hogan was taped railing his friend’s wife, it was not newsworthy because the story was about a heavily influential performer and entrepreneur railing his friend’s fucking wife .

Saying that Hulk Hogan’s sexuality videotape is up for grabs because he uses sexuality in his persona is like saying that you should be able to legally punch Johnny Knoxville because he gets hurt on camera. It’s like saying you should be able to rape a porn superstar because they do rough sexuality scenes( which is something that has actually happened, you guys ). It’s insanity when applied to literally any other situation.

It was also a completely legitimate argument in the eyes of the law back in 1997.

When a disgruntled electrician broke into their safe and released the sexuality videotape he found inside of it , Pamela Anderson and Tommy Lee couldn’t legally stop Penthouse from publishing the stolen images because the court chose that the actress regularly talking about her sexuality life in public induced her suit invalid. Holy. Fucking. Balls.

Are you starting to see how fucking greasy this argument becomes when you take it to the logical limits? People pretend that there’s a gray area, but the line couldn’t be more clear if it was induced with hollering light bulbs contained within lava. But of course, that part of your brain is already guessing the thing I think it’s guessing, which is, “Boo-hoo! How sad that these poor rich folks get even richer off their sexuality tapes! “

Well your brain is a sarcastic prick, sir or madam, because …

# 4. Presuming All Sex Tapes Are Secret Publicity Stunts Is Glaringly Dumb

It’s true that sexuality tapes have boosted or even jump-started the careers of a few people who induced them. And because of that fact, we like to imagine that everyone leaks them on purpose to stay relevant and make money. And yes, after the phenomenon kicked off, there were porn companies specifically seeking out B- and C-listers willing to bang on camera. But “stars” like Dustin Diamond and Farrah Abraham objective up building somewhere between “a little” to “the ghost of money” from it.

Hope all that Internet hate was worth the price of a 2008 Ford Fusion .

But let’s explore those two motives( profit and publicity) by looking at the highest profiles of Kim Kardashian and Paris Hilton. As we learned from Pamela Anderson, sexuality videos are astonishingly hard to fight in tribunal. So both Hilton and Kardashian objective up seeking some kind of not-dogshit settlement instead.

Try to name any other crime where the awarded settlement is referred to as “profit.” The sum in question, by the way, was five million dollars for a video that has gone on to become the highest-grossing video for the defendant, Vivid Entertainment. Paris Hilton, meanwhile, didn’t accepted a single dime from her video, which objective up putting the distributor on the map with 600, 000 DVD transcripts sold( it was a different hour ). But of course, why would either of them want money when their families are supervillain-rich?

See, the people who actually profit from leaking sexuality tapes aren’t the stars having sexuality, but the assholes who leak them in the first place. It’s a business venture , which is why the rich celebrities aren’t the person or persons secretly leaking them , but instead people like Colin Farrell’s ex-girlfriend, who leaked their fuck video by claiming the rights as a “co-creator.”

It’s not foreplay; it’s a “content strategy meeting”

But of course, there’s that second motive of publicity . After all, both Kim and Paris had conveniently-timed reality shows that got huge ratings from their tapes. There’s utterly no denying that fucking on camera devoted them a career boost … and no one else . Because every time we scoff about people who are merely famous due to a sexuality videotape, we’re actually citing the 0. 01 percentage of cases where that actually happened. Statistically speaking, it would be wiser for any hot new debutante to utilize that sweet household money for billboards or a Super Bowl ad than to get famously penetrated.

But let’s say it’s all true, and both Paris Hilton and Kim Kardashian purposefully agreed to have their sexuality tapes leaked for publicity. Is it possible to still deemed to be victims? Lord, yes. Here’s why …

# 3. Has Everyone Forgotten What It’s Like To Be Young And Stupid?

I have a confession: When I was 23, I lived in a degenerate apartment as part of a clan of punks who often imbibed substances and opposed one another for amusement. During that time, people took photos of me which I’ll now “leak” from my Facebook page.

We called it “Garbage Haus” because it was fucking garbage. And while many mistakes were induced, I still wear my hour there like a brand. Not figuratively; we branded ourselves like drunk cattle.

Now I’m like 31, complain about my taxes, and remain thankful that I didn’t document anything stupider in my youth. Because people do dumb things when they are 23, which coincidentally is the same age Kim Kardashian was when she filmed her sexuality videotape.

Farrah Abraham was 21 when she got down on camera. And when news violated of opportunities to multiple Paris Hilton sexuality tapes, their release was kept pending over whether she was of legal age when the videos were induced. Because the one we did consider was her at 20 years old — aka the age at which I drank nine Sparks alcoholic energy drinkings and wandered Boston in a waking nightmare.

Discontinued in 2008, for some reason .

Go ahead and do a mental tally of all the good decisions you induced in your early 20 s. Or if you are in your early 20 s, take a moment to reflect on how awesome you are and how nothing you do will matter someday. Perhaps make a clumsy fuck video of yourself and get Beyonce-famous … because there’s no way you’ll be regretting that forever down the line.

It’s easy for the Douchephalon to say, “Oh, they’re merely saying that because they have to! ” Especially for someone like Abraham, who is young and still go looking for reputation … which is why her claims of being narcotic and raped while building the videotape were met with media skepticism and jokes.

Yeah right, teen mama! Who is this imaginary rapist you claim to–

Oh .

Right, it’s James Deen — the guy accused of sexually assaulting multiple females who was coincidentally in Abraham’s sex tape. Turns out we needed multiple females to come out before we could go back and take her claim severely. Which I’m sure had recently persuaded some people that she is so starved for reputation that she generated an elaborate rape-spiracy.

# 2. The People Who Leak Sex Tapes Truly Think They Are The Underdogs

There is a certain minority of people whom this column will never reach — the same ones who’ve been completely hijacked by that nasty, vindictive brain voice that believes these celebrities undeservedly have something the world owes them . They are the same people who either think that Hogan deserved it and/ or that superstars like Emma Watson are bitches for standing up for themselves.

“Two phases, Pieces of Shit.”

While revealed to ultimately be a hoax menace, saying that you’re going to release someone’s naked images for to talk about feminism is still a threat . It’s social terrorism … and like all terrorists, the person or persons doing it actually suppose they are fighting for a cause. The hackers behind “The Fappening” and Scarlett Johansson’s nude leak were also involved in revenge porn with women they knew — women who, in their minds, had hurt them. And so, like all revenge porn, this was about assholes who guessed they were “reclaiming power.” Because as Rick& Morty ‘s Dan Harmon once intoxicatedly told, everyone supposes they are the underdog.

So let’s look at Gawker from what I presume was their underdog perspective. We have a climate in which, in their eyes, irrelevant celebrities will occasionally leak a sexuality video to get back on top. By spreading the video, they are simply partaking in the tired dance between a company seeking headlines and a celebrity feigning to be outraged over a leaked video. There might be a weak lawsuit here or there, but that’s the price of admission for a game that both parties are playing.

Only Hulk wasn’t actually playing a game, and Gawker construed that as him unfairly changing the rules. To them, Hulk had “promoted” the sexuality video by talking about it. And, being the clear victim of his whims, they opposed back.

“We can be heroes
Just for one day”

How brave of you, Gawker, to hold strong in the face of insurmountable opponent. You’re like Aragorn persuading Theoden to ride out at Helm’s Deep.

See, what Gawker didn’t factor in was that Gawker is fucking terrible. Their techniques are terrible, and “they il be” run by terrible people. The employees, the majority of members of whom I’m sure are decent people, are regrettably bubbled in a culture in which Hulkamaniac’s wang is their Watergate scandal. Even after all of the resounding legal backlash, they still claim to be bravely standing up to racist autocracy, like the Harriet Tubman of watching blowjobs. This lawsuit might demolish Gawker, but it shouldn’t demolish the person or persons Gawker utilized. Because they aren’t to blame.

Well, actually, they are to blame … because, technically everyone is to blame .

# 1. At One Phase, We Were ALL Of The Problem

Society has evolved since 2008, the golden age of cynical fuck videos which saved us from $5,000 pirated Rob Lowe VHS tapes. This was when D-list superstars like Tonya Harding induced whoopee for cash, and the general consensus was that everyone was in on the joke .

Then something new happened …

Thanks to the magic of phone hacking, -Alist celebrities like Jennifer Lawrence and Scarlett Johansson suddenly became targets — and the question of whether or not they wanted “publicity” or “money” fell apart. These were victims who opposed back instead of smiling through it, and they induced us topic all those past occasions we chuckled off. Suddenly this was a crime, and one that — thanks to technology plowing ahead at a neck-snapping rate — affected all of us. Suddenly, “weve all” Paris Hilton, living on a Paris Hilton planet like a drunk Twilight Zone episode.

No celebs here .

But none of this is a new problem. The worst realization here is that this has always been the case with these videos. From Pamela and Tommy’s VHS tape being “hacked” from their personal safe to Hulk Hogan’s friend vindictively recording him in secret, it’s always been revenge porn .

We can talk all day about whether or not these celebrities induced blunders, but the change ultimately begins with us . We as a culture fed this machine by trivializing the ache it caused, and we now need to own up if we ever want to accept the solution — which is obviously for everyone to film themselves fucking and leak it online so it’s not a big deal anymore.

For more on our extensive knowledge of sexuality tapes, check out The Top 10 Celebrity Sex Videos Nobody Wanted To Consider and If This Is The Kind Of Sex Gene Simmons Has Had 4,000 Times, I No Longer Envy Him .

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