2016 Even Sucked for Kim Kardashian

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As early as July, the internet wondered if 2016 would go down in history as the worst year ever. Four months ago, we were communally freaking out over Zika, Brexit, and record-hot temperatures. These days, death-bearing mosquitos are the least of our frets. To induce matters worse, 2016 will be one second longer than previously expectedjust enough time for the future leader of the free world to publish another Hamilton-hating tweet, or for an alt-righter( translation: neo-Nazi) to set the finishing touch on a spray-painted swastika.

Despite the wealth of memes that would argue otherwise, 2016 isnt technically the worst. Humanity have in fact been subjected to more painful experiences than listening to Donald Trump attempt to pronounce hombre. For instance, in 1348 the Black Death took hold. Over the course of a brisk 18 months, it killed at least a third of the population of Europe. That, one might argue, was a really bad year.

In comparison, 2016 is more absurd than it is catastrophicso far. After all, this is the year that a human named Weiner sabotaged a presidential campaign with his penis. For a year that is undoubtedly doing too much, 2016 demands a proportionally extra first family. Enter , the only reality Tv clan ridiculous enough to make sense in this new reality. For the past couple of years, Americas favorite Armenians have been heavily relying on their deep bench of sisters and friend. But at the end of the day, only Kim Kardashian is famous enough, entertaining enough, and disaster-prone enough to truly represent 2016. Kylie Jenner might have her booming makeup business, and Kendall Jenner will always be the mainstream face of sleep paralysis, but had the worst/ most absurd year ever.

In an homage to the return of Gilmore Girls, which 2016 miraculously managed to not fuck up, weve charted four seasons in the life of Kimberly Kardashian West, each more tragic than the last.

WINTER

There are pros and cons to marrying Kanye West. On the one hand, he can keep you outfitted in a lifetimes worth of beige condom dresses and Yeezys. He can also introduce you to Beyonc and Jay Z, although he cant induce them like you. On the other hand, his ex-girlfriend Amber Rose might take to Twitter one day to inform the entire world that your husband is still stuck in the anal stage. In late January, the SlutWalk organizer and emoji entrepreneur clapped back at some disrespectful remarks Kanye had made about her by deeming him a fingers in the booty ass bitch.

It was one small step for entrenched homophobia in the hip-hop community, and one giant leaping for the index finger up emoji. Mind you, this was just a few months after Kim Kardashian gave birth to her second infant, Saint West. In addition to breastfeeding her son and Jonathan Cheban, Kim had to quickly pivot back into social media mode to clean up her husbands mess for him. She did just that by posing for a February Instagram selfie with Amber Rose, appropriately captioned, Tea Anyone? The illuminating was amazing, the contouring was just right, and Kim managed to successfully pivot “the member states national” conversation away from her husbands anus.

SPRING

Unfortunately , not everyone appreciates Kim Kardashians social media presence. With the help of Snapchat, Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter, Kim Kardashian has given fans an unprecedented level of celebrity access. Kardashian is a social media storyteller, spinning elaborated yarns like Ive lost too much pregnancy weight and now my chokers dont fit me and I would like to lose more pregnancy weight. One especially gripping Instagram installment featured a nude Kardashian taking a picture of herself in a mirror. The accompanying captionWhen youre like I have nothing to wear LOLgave narrative depth. Kardashians blonde hair in the picture, given the fact that she was a brunette at the time of its publishing, added an air of mystery.

Naturally, Kims newest nude struck many internet denizens as the perfect opportunity to share their prudish discomfort with the female kind. Budget Donald Trump Piers Morgan tweeted, I know the old boy $50 million in debt, Kimbut this is absurd. Want me to buy you some clothes? Bette Midler took a strange punchline approach, musing, Kim Kardashian tweeted a nude selfie today. If Kim wants to see a part of her weve never seen, shes gonna “re going to have to” swallow the camera. DNC speaker and Neighbors 2 actress Chlo Grace Moretz rounded out this trio of celebrity censure, responding to the selfie: I truly hope you realize how important defining goals are for young woman, teaching them we have much better to offer than simply our bodies. Kim kept the dispute alive by coming for each and every one of her high-profile haters. Like a heavily contoured Arya Stark, Kardashian will never forgive her attention-starved foes. Similarly, I will never forgive Chlo Grace Moretz for managing to stay famous, thus forcing me to constantly re-Google how to insert an umlaut.

Unlike the rest of Kims increasingly dark year, this story actually has a happy ending: Kim penned a moving and empowering letter on International Womens Day, celebrating and owning her sexuality. Of course, Kardashians self-love wont stop random people online from calling her a bad mother, because this is 2016.

SUMMER

Kim Kardashian West knows good content. Like the rest of us, Kim binge-watched FXs The People v. O.J. Simpson. Unlike the rest of us, her pleasure of prestige television was complicated by the unique experience of watching David Schwimmer play her dead daddy. In a June interview with GQ, Kardashian raved that she loved the demonstrate. However, she took issue with how she and her siblings were portrayed. I dont believe those components were accurate, she explained. I believe our ages were off and our appears were off. In regards to one of the most dramatic scenes in the series, Kim flippantly observed:[ The demonstrate] said[ O.J .] tried to kill himself in my bedroom and it was Khlos bedroom , not my bedroom. She also casually debunked the common hypothesi that her father was in possession of a Louis Vuitton bag containing the murder weapon. Kim remembers, That suitcase was sitting at my papas house. I recollect I went through it. The news was like, Where is this Louis Vuitton bag? And Im like, Oh, its upstairs. As for what was inside: Just toiletries and clothes and golf clothes. Just random stuff. Im pretty sure its, like, still inprobably in my papas storage. Here, Kim is corroborating my own personal conspiracy hypothesi that the Kardashians actually know everythingwe only have to ask.

Alongside some crucial information about a decades-old mystery, Kardashian slipped some vitriol into her GQ cover story. The tense dislike triangle between Kim, Kanye, and Taylor was activated by Wests Famous, in which the rapper muses that he and Swift might still have sex. In the ensue he said/ she said, Swift was contended that West did not, in fact, induce that bitch famous. She also claimed to be offended by Kanyes lyrics, while Kanye claimed that Swift had signed off on the ribald rhymes. Little did we know that this years-in-the-making conflict would usher in the summer of our sick content. In an uncharacteristically savage move, Kim Kardashian used Snapchat to set fire to Taylor Swifts career and let us all watch it burn. Kims skillfully edited narrative showed West going over the lyrics to Famous with Swift on speakerphone. Over grainy studio shots, we hear the disembodied voice of Taylor Swift saying, Its like a compliment, kind of … I truly appreciate you telling me about this thats really nice.

No amount of spin could change the fact that Swift clearly lied when she said that she had never approved the way. Kims spilled tea caused Taylor Swifts carefully constructed programming to malfunctionas evidenced by that paparazzi crab walking. Countless snake emojis later, it was clear that Kim hadnt simply interred TayTayshe danced on her grave while listening to a Calvin Harris/ Katy Perry mash-up. Intentionally rocking a dress that Swift had donned in a May Vogue photoshoot was just the petty cherry on top.

FALL

On the heels of her T. Swift victory, Kim Kardashian was all set to strut into fall with the trust of an incoming freshman who got really hot over the summer. Unfortunately, in a rare blunder, Kim was too candid and almost fell the ball. This fumble came courtesy of a Wonderland interview, in which Kim claimed to be on the fence and considering casting a vote for Donald Trump. While the polarizing quote didnt make it into the final article, it triggered a medium-sized backlash among Kardashians more enlightened fans. Kim had expressed her support for Hillary Clinton as early as August 2015, when she tweeted out a selfie with the former Secretary of State. Unlike other celebrities, Kardashian didnt simply throw money at Clintons campaign or host a fundraiser. She actually changed the career politicians life, courtesy of her intensely flattering LuMee selfie case, which Clinton afterward testified makes anybody look better.

Kardashian was quick to nip the Wonderland controversy in the bud, issuing a lengthy statement on why she would be voting for the Democratic nominee after all. Fortunately for LuMee, that means that Kim and Trump wont be putting her flattering selfie suit to the test any time soonafter all, its a clever gadget , not a miracle worker.

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